Who better than the likes of me to keep their ear to the ground and badger out some anecdotes? Here are some stories that had us giggling in the sett! They’re all true too, as far as we can check - no urban myths here!

I know you’e thinking “This isn’t advice!”. But what better than a funny story to warn you not to be a fool? Read and learn!

If you want to impress party guests by incorporating some of these stories into your drunken-banter, please mention panda-blog.org.uk, and don’t pretend they happened to you.

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1. Whilst doing a crossword, my child-of-the-eighties (ie Thatcher/tory-hating) friend had the clue “Dyed-in-the-wool conservative: 4-4”. She promptly wrote down “A R S E  W I P E”.
   It’s “True Blue” in case you were wondering.
2. Overheard at a party: “She’s having a baby.” “Oh, is she pregnant?” “Yes, she’s 12 months pregnant.”
3. Walking down Gloucester Road on a shopping day, we passed a father and his two young children. The older of the two was carrying his brother, upside down. His father turned to him and said, “Do stop doing that - he’s changing colour again!”
4. A friend washed her trainers and had heard that they could be dried in a tumble drier. It seemed to be working, as they thumped around inside the machine, when suddenly the door came open and one of the shoes fell out. The machine slowed to a halt, then the door swung shut and it carried on tumbling, having spat out an obviously disagreeable morsel!
5. One of our allotment neighbours told me about an experience she had when she was just finishing gardening one day. It was getting dark in the field and she was the last person working. She heard a noise and looked around to see a large angry man standing behind her brandishing an iron bar. “Is this your allotment?” he demanded, before explaining that he’d lost his kitten and thought it was in one of the garden sheds. The crow bar was to prise open the door to let his pet out, not to murder an innocent gardener!
6. A depressed friend was staying the night and was concerned that there was a bottle of serious looking pills in their room; if they woke up feeling really down they were worried they might take an overdose, so I agreed to hide the bottle. When my partner came home, I asked what the drugs were. It turned out they were homeopathic!
7. A colleague had his wallet stolen from work, with all his casino winnings from the night before in it. The same day he entered a prize draw for a bike, and got ticket number 13. When the tickets were drawn from the hat a few weeks later, out came ticket number 13!
8. I admit we can’t corroborate this one, but I heard of a man at a divorce court hearing who was walking a bit stiffly. The court stewards found a long samurai sword hidden down his trousers. He said he’d bought it to cut up some french baguettes for his dinner!
9. We were coming back to my friend’s car in a car park last weekend, and there was a car alarm that kept going off. We looked at the car in question, and there was a big dog in the boot, with a mournful expression on its face, trying not to move too much. Its stupid owners had left it in the car with the alarm switched on, and were off having a lovely time while the poor animal was getting deafened in their car. They probably do it every time and don’t even know! All you people with car alarms: get rid of them! Get some decent locks instead.
10. I once had a boss who we used to call “NP” because whenever anyone asked for something, he’d always say “Oh yes, that’ll be no problem…” Someone from another organisation asked him to lend them some rope; he knew my colleague had some, so of course it was “no problem”. A few days later, I found my colleague in a foul mood: his rope had come back, but cut up into short lengths and in a huge tangle. So he had a long morning of untangling, and “NP” maintained his reputation as a thoroughly nice and helpful guy! Argh! Learn the lesson, all you bosses out there!
11. I watched a group of people were walking past a poster for the film “Me, You and Everyone We Know”. One of them commented, “Surely it should be ‘You, everyone we know, and I’?”
12. A friend was telling someone an anecdote about his friend John who lived on the other side of the street. When he finished they asked, “But what has that got to do with him being gay?” Clearly they thought that to “live on the other side of the street” was a euphamism!
13. We were at an opening event for a show (actually the show we were involved with was downstairs, but there was free food upstairs). There was a big pavlova that we were scoffing our way through, but the staff were clearing it away, even though there was plenty left. So my friend thought she’d take some home for later, and wrapped a big slice up in a napkin. But it was difficult to carry so, obviously, she put it in her handbag! She realised her mistake too late; unfortunately Luss was in the bag and got covered in cream and sugar, along with everything else. Fortunately he can be a very forgiving cat at times. My friend tried to eat the pavlova instead, but by that time it was a purée of sugar, cream and paper napkin, and she dropped most of it on the pavement. Oh dear!
14. One of my friends dealt with hangovers by getting up early after a night clubbing, and cleaning her flat. A useful trait, but not so nice for her hung-over flatmate when she started hoovering!
15. My clean-living friend was house-sitting and found some flapjacks. She’d been told she could eat anything she wanted, so she tucked in, thinking that she could make some more for them later. They tasted a bit strange, but she didn’t realise why until she discovered a pot of canabis in the herb rack!
16. Two friends would do their cleaning rota duty in their shared house by stripping to their boxer shorts, donning rubber gloves and cleaning the house with feather dusters and cleaning spray.
17. Back at school, a nasty youth started making gargly snorting noises in the woodwork class. This was the eighties, and we all knew he was preparing a “greeny” to “gob” his someone. So we were relieved (and amused) when we saw he’d accidentally dribbled a mouthful of phlegm and saliva down the front of his school jumper. Result!
18. Walking along the street, I was surprised to see a man come out of a doorway shouting “Fuck off!”. His friend appeared behind him and remarked “Annoying you is the most rewarding thing anyone can do.”
19. When putting on a pair of steel-toed safety boots, I accidentally dropped one on my toe!
20. My brother’s boring friend was chatting up a girl in a red dress at a party. When he turned round to pick up a drink, he didn’t notice that she’d escaped, and he continued talking to a red fire extinguisher!
21. Our friend Hannah was doing some fire-poi in a fleece jacket. She was getting so into it that she didn’t notice that the burning poi had brushed her jacket. What do you say in these situations? “Er, Hannah, your back’s on fire… Your back!” Fortunately she knew the roll-on-yer-back procedure for putting out burning clothes, so no harm was done. Phew!